A restaurant in the desert

我的先生很可惜是一个外国人。这样来称呼自己的先生不免有排外的味道，但是因为语文和风俗在各国之间确有大不相同之处，我们的婚姻生活也实在有许多无法共通的地方。

当初决定下嫁给荷西时，我明白地告诉他，我们不但国籍不相同，个性也不相同，将来婚后可能会吵架甚至于打架。他回答我：“我知道你性情不好，心地却是很好的，吵架打架都可能发生，不过我们还是要结婚。”于是我们认识了七年之后终于结婚了。

我不是妇女解放运动的支持者，但是我极不愿在婚后失去独立的人格和内心的自由自在化，所以我一再强调，婚后我还是‘我行我素’，要不然不结婚。荷西当时对我说：“我就是要你‘你行你素’，失去了你的个性和作风，我何必娶你呢！”好，大丈夫的论调，我十分安慰。做荷西的太太，语文将就他。可怜的外国人，“人”和“入”这两个字教了他那么多遍，他还是分不清，我只有讲他的话，这件事总算放他一马了。但是将来的孩子来了，打死也要学中文，这点他相当赞成。

闲话不说，做家庭主妇，第一便是下厨房。我一向对做家事十分痛恨，但对煮菜却是十分有兴趣，几只洋葱，几片肉，一炒变出一个菜，我很欣赏这种艺术。

母亲在台湾，知道我婚后因为荷西工作的关系，要到大荒漠地区的非洲去，十二分的心痛，但是因为钱是荷西赚的，我只有跟了饭票走，毫无选择的余地。婚后开厨不久，我们吃的全部是西菜。后来家中航空包裹飞来接济，我收到大批粉丝、紫菜、冬菇、生力面、猪肉干等珍贵食品，我乐得不释手，加上欧洲女友寄来罐头酱油，我的家庭“中国饭店”马上开张，可惜食客只有一个不付钱的。后来上门来要吃的朋友可是排长龙啊！

其实母亲寄来的东西，要开“中国饭店”实在是不够，好在荷西没有去过台湾，他看看我这个“大厨”神气活现，对我也生起信心来了。

第一道菜是“粉丝煮鸡汤”。荷西下班回来总是大叫“快开饭啊，要饿死啦！”白白被他爱了那么多年，回来只知道开饭，对太太却是正眼也不瞧一下，我这“黄脸婆”倒是做得放心。话说第一道菜是粉丝煮鸡汤，他喝了一口问我：“咦，什么东西？中国细面吗？”

“你岳母万里迢迢来替你寄细面来？不是的。”

“是什么嘛？再给一点，很好吃。”我用筷子挑起一根粉丝：“这个啊，叫做‘雨’。”

“雨？”他一呆。

我说过，我是婚姻自由自在化，说话自然心血来潮随我高兴。

“这个啊，是春天下的第一场雨，下在高山上，被一根一根冻住了，山胞扎好了背到山下来一束一束卖了换米酒喝，不容易买到哦！”

荷西还是呆呆地、研究性地看看我，又去看看盆内的“雨”，然后说：“你当我白痴？”

我不置可否。“你还要不要？”

“吹牛大王，我还要。”

以后他常吃“春雨”，到现在不知道是什么东西做的。有时想想荷西很笨，所以心里有点悲伤。

第二次吃粉丝是做“蚂蚁上树”，将粉丝在平底锅内一炸，再撒上绞肉和汁。荷西下班回来一向是饿的，咬了一大口粉丝：“什么东西？好像是白色的毛线，又好像是塑胶的？”

“都不是，是你钓鱼的那种尼龙线，中国人加工变成白白软软的了。”我回答他。

他又吃了一口，莞尔一笑，口里说着：“怪名堂真多，如果我们真开饭店，这个菜可卖个好价钱，乖乖！”那天他吃了好多尼龙加工白线。第三次吃粉丝，是夹在东北人的“合子饼”内与菠菜和肉绞得很碎当饼馅。他说：“这个小饼里面你撒了鲨鱼的翅膀对不对？我听说这东西很贵，难怪你只放了一点点。”我笑得得躺在地上。“以后这只很贵的鱼翅膀，请妈妈不要买了，我要去信谢谢妈妈。”我大乐，回答他：“快去写，我来译信，哈哈！”

有一天他快下班了，我趁他忘了看猪肉干，赶快将藏好的猪肉干剪成小小的方块，放在瓶子里，然后藏在毯子里面。恰好那天他鼻子不通，睡觉时要用毛毯，我一时忘了我的宝贝，自在一旁看那第一千遍《水浒传》。他躺在床上，手里拿个瓶子，左看右看，我一抬头，哗，不得了，“所罗门王宝藏”被他发现了，赶快去抢，口里叫着：“这不是你吃的，是药，是中药。”

“我鼻子不通，正好吃中药。”他早塞了一大把放在口中，我气极了，又不能叫他吐出来，只好不响了。

“怪甜的，是什么？”

我没好气地回答他：“喉片，给咳嗽的人顺喉头的。”

“肉做的喉片？我是白痴啊？”第二天醒来，发觉他偷了大半瓶去送给同事们吃，从那天起，只要是他同事，看见我都假装咳嗽，想再骗猪肉干吃。

反正夫妇生活总是在吃饭，其他时间便是去忙着赚吃饭的钱，实在没多大意思。有天我做了饭卷，就是日本人的“寿司”，用紫菜包饭，里面放些唯他肉松。荷西这一下拒吃了。“什么？你居然给我吃印蓝纸、复写纸？”

我慢慢问他：“你真不吃？”

“不吃，不吃。”

好，我大乐，吃了一大堆饭卷。

“张开口给我看！”他命令我。

“你看，没有蓝色，我是用反面复写纸卷的，不会染到口里去。”反正平日说的是唬人的话，所以常常胡说八道。

“你是吹牛大王，虚虚实实，我真恨你，从实招来，是什么吗？”

“你对中国完全不认识，我对我的先生相当失望。”我回答他，又吃了一个饭卷。他生气了，用筷子一夹夹了一个，面部大有壮士一去不复返的悲壮表情，咬了半天，吞下去。“是了，是海苔。”

我跳起来，大叫：“对了，对了，真聪明。”又要跳，头上吃了他一记老大爆栗。

中国东西快吃完了，我的“中国饭店”也舍不得出菜了，西菜又开始上桌。荷西下班来，看见我居然在做牛排，很意外，又高兴，大叫：“要半生的。马铃薯也炸了吗？”连给他吃了三天牛排，他却好似没有胃口，切一块就不吃了。

“是不是工作太累了？要不要去睡一下再起来吃？”，“黄脸婆”有时也尚温柔。

“不是生病，是吃得不好。”

我一听唬一下跳起来。“吃得不好？吃得不好？你知道牛排多少钱一斤？”

“不是的，太太，想吃‘雨’，还是岳母寄来的菜好。”

“好啦，中国饭店一星期开张两次，如何？你要多久下一次‘雨’？”

有一天荷西回来对我说：“了不得，今天大老板叫我去。”

“加你薪水？”我眼睛一亮。

“不是——”

我一把抓住他，指甲掐到他肉里去。“不是？完了，你给开除了？天啊，我们——”

“别抓我嘛，神经兮兮的，你听我讲，大老板说，我们公司谁都被请过到我家吃饭，就是他们夫妇不请，他在等你请他吃中国菜——”

“大老板要我做菜?不干不干，不请他，你同事工友我都乐意，请上司吃饭未免太没骨气，我这个人啊，还谈些气节，你知道，我——”我正要大大宣扬中国人的所谓骨气，又讲不明白，再一接触到荷西的面部表情，这个骨气只好哽在喉咙里啦！

第二日他问我：“喂，我们有没有笋？”

“家里筷子那么多，不都是笋吗？”

他白了我一眼。“大老板说要吃笋片炒冬菇。”

乖乖，真是见过世面的老板，不要小看外国人。“好，明天晚上请他们夫妇来吃饭，没问题，笋会长出来的。”荷西含情脉脉地望了我一眼，婚后他第一次如情人一样望着我，使我受宠若惊，不巧那天辫子飞散，状如女鬼。

第二天晚上，我先做好三道菜，用文火热着，布置了蜡炬台的桌子，桌上铺了白色的桌布，又加一块红的铺成斜角，十分美丽。这一顿饭吃得宾主尽欢，不但菜是色香味俱全，我这个太太也打扮得十分干净，居然还穿了长裙子。饭后老板夫妇上车时特别对我说：“如果公共关系室将来有缺，希望你也来参加工作，做公司的一分子。”我眼睛一亮，这全是“笋片炒冬菇”的功劳。

送走老板，夜已深了，我赶快脱下长裙，换上破牛仔裤，头发用橡皮筋一绑，大力洗碗洗盘，重做灰姑娘状使我身心自由。荷西十分满意，在背后问：“喂，这个‘笋片炒冬菇’真好吃，你哪里弄来的笋？”

我一面洗碗，一面问他：“什么笋？”

“今天晚上做的笋片啊！”

我哈哈大笑：“哦，你是说小黄瓜炒冬菇吗？”

“什么，你，你，你骗了我不算，还敢去骗我老板——”

“我没骗他，这是他一生吃到最好的一次‘嫩笋片炒冬菇’，他自己说的。”

荷西将我一把抱起来，肥皂水洒了他一头一胡子，口里大叫：“万岁，万岁，你是那只猴子，那只七十二变的，叫什么，什么……”

我拍了一下他的头：“齐天大圣孙悟空，这次不要忘了。”

My husband is unfortunately a foreigner. It's xenophobic to call one's husband that way, but because languages and customs are so different from one country to another, there's a lot about our marriage that we can't all agree on. When I decided to marry Jorge, I told him plainly that we not only had different nationalities and personalities, but that we might quarrel and even fight in the future. He replied, "I know you have a bad temper, but you have a good heart. Fights can happen, but we are going to get married." So we finally got married after seven years of knowing each other. I am not a supporter of the women's liberation movement, but I am extremely reluctant to lose my independent personality and inner freedom after marriage, so I have stressed again and again that after marriage I will go my own way, or We don't get married. Jorge said to me at the time: "I Just Want You to ‘Go Your Own Way', lost your personality and style, why should I Marry You!" Well, the tone of a man, I am very comforting. As Jose's wife, the language will accommodate him. Poor Foreigner. After all the times he was taught the words "man" and "Enter", he still couldn't tell the difference. I had to say what he said, so I let him off the hook. But when the children of the future come, they will learn Chinese to death, which he quite agreed with. Gossip aside, the first thing about being a housewife is the kitchen. I have always hated doing housework, but I am very interested in cooking, a few onions, a few pieces of meat, a stir-fry into a dish, I appreciate this art. My mother was in Taiwan, and it was very painful to know that after my marriage, because of Jose's work, I was going to Africa in the great desert, but because Jose earned the money, I had to go with the meal ticket, there's no other choice. Not long after we were married, all we ate was western food. Later, I received a large number of fans, seaweed, mushrooms, fresh noodles, pork jerky, and other precious food. I couldn't put it down, and my European girlfriend sent me canned soy sauce, my family's "China restaurant" will open soon, but only one of the diners will not pay. The friend that comes to want to eat later is the queue is long! In fact, it was not enough to open a "Chinese restaurant" from my mother. Fortunately, Jose had never been to Taiwan. He looked at me, a "chef" Mannequin, and began to have confidence in me. The first course was "chicken soup with vermicelli". Jose always comes home from work shouting, "Let's eat, let's starve to death!" After all those years of being loved by him, he just comes back to eat, but he doesn't even look at his wife, i don't have to worry about that. The first dish is chicken soup with vermicelli, he took a drink and asked me, "Well, what is it? "did your mother-in-law come all the way here to send you some fine noodles?"? No."" What is that? Give me some more, it's delicious," I said, picking up a fan with my chopsticks. "Oh, it's called ‘rain.'". As I said, I am free in my marriage, and I speak as I please. "this, Ah, is the first rain in spring. It is raining on the mountain, and it is freezing by the roots. The mountain cells are tied up and carried down the mountain. They are sold in bunches for rice wine, which is not easy to buy." Jorge still looked at me blankly and studied, then I looked at the rain in the basin and said, "do you think I'm an idiot?". "Do you still want it?""I still want it, Blowhard." After that, he used to eat "Spring Rain" and now he doesn't know what it was made of. Sometimes I think Jose is stupid, so I feel a little sad. The second time was to "ants on a tree," deep-fry the noodles in a pan and sprinkle with ground meat and sauce. Jorge always comes home from work hungry, he took a big bite out of his fan and said, "what is that? It looks like white wool, or it looks like plastic?""No, it's the kind of nylon you're fishing for, and the Chinese have turned it white and soft," I replied. He took another bite, smiled, and said, "what a lot of strange things. If we did open a restaurant, it would fetch a good price." He ate a lot of white nylon thread that day. The third time to eat Vermicelli, is sandwiched in the northeast people's "children cake" with spinach and meat ground very broken when the pie filling. He said, "you put shark's wings in this cookie, didn't you? I heard it was expensive. No wonder you only put a little bit in it." I laughed and lay on the floor. "from now on, please don't buy this expensive shark's fin, I'll write to thank Mom." I answered him, "write it, I'll translate it. Ha Ha!" One day he was about to leave work, before he could see the jerky, I cut it into little squares, put it in a bottle, and hide it under a blanket. Just that day his nose does not pass, sleep with a blanket, I forgot my baby for a while, free to watch the 1000th time the water margin. He was lying on the bed with a bottle in his hand, looking around, I looked up, Oh, my God, he found the King Solomon's Mines, go grab it, "It's not what you eat, it's medicine, it's Chinese medicine," he cried. "I have a stuffy nose, so I'll take Chinese Medicine." He stuffed a handful of it into his mouth, and I was so angry that I couldn't ask him to spit it out, it's gonna have to stop ringing. "what's So Sweet?" I replied gruffly. "throat lozenges, for people who cough.""meat lozenges? Am I an idiot?" I woke up the next day, caught him stealing half a bottle to send colleagues to eat, from that day on, if any of his colleagues saw me, pretend to cough, want to cheat pork jerky to eat. Anyway, the couple is always eating, the rest of the time is busy earning money to eat, it is not much fun. One day I made a rice roll, the Japanese "sushi", with laver bread rice, which put some meat floss. Jorge just refused to eat. "what? You gave me blue paper and carbon paper?" I asked him slowly. "are you sure you won't eat it?""No, no." Okay, I ate a lot of rice rolls. "open your mouth and show me!" He ordered me. "you see, there is no blue, I use reverse carbon paper roll, will not dye into the mouth." Anyway, usually said is bluffing, so often nonsense. "you are a charlatan, a liar and a liar, and I hate you. Tell me the truth. What is it?""you don't know anything about China, and I'm very disappointed in my husband," I replied, i ate another rice roll. He was angry, a folder with chopsticks, the face of a strong never-to-return solemn expression, bite for a long time, swallowed. "Yes, it's Nori." I jumped up and shouted, "yes, yes, very clever." Then I jumped again, and got a big pop in the head from him. The Chinese food was running out, my "Chinese restaurant" couldn't bear to serve it, and the western food began to arrive. When Jose came home from work, he was surprised to see me cooking a steak. He was so happy that he shouted, "make it rare. Did you fry the potatoes too?" He didn't seem to have an appetite, so he cut off a piece and didn't eat it. "are you too tired from work? Do you want to get some sleep before you eat?" The "old woman" is sometimes gentle. "It's not illness, it's bad eating." I jumped at the sound of it. "not eating well? Not eating well? Do you know how much a kilo of steak costs?""No, madam, I'd rather have ‘rain'or something from my mother-in-law.""well, how about the Chinese restaurant, which opens twice a week? How often do you have to rain?" Jorge came back to me one day and said, "Well, the Big Boss asked me to come today.""more money?" My eyes lit up. "No --" I grabbed him, and my nails went into his flesh. "No? That's it. You're fired? Oh, my God, we're --""don't Scratch Me, You Psycho, listen to me, the Big Boss said, everyone in our company has been invited to my house for dinner, except the couple, who's waiting for you to invite him for Chinese food --""the Big Boss wants me to cook? Don't do it, don't invite him, I'm happy to invite your colleagues and workers, it's a bit spineless to invite your boss for dinner, I, ah, still talk about integrity, you know, i -- "I'm going to promote the so-called backbone of the Chinese people, i couldn't explain it, and when I saw Jose's face again, I felt a lump in my throat! The next day he asked me, "Hey, do we have any bamboo shoots?""aren't there so many bamboo shoots in the house?" He glared at me. "Big Boss said to eat bamboo shoots stir-fried mushrooms."

< P > Good, really have seen the world of the boss, do not look down on foreigners. "OK, invite them to dinner tomorrow evening, no problem, bamboo shoots will grow out." Jorge looked at me lovingly, and for the first time since marriage he looked at me like a lover, and I was flattered, unfortunately, that day the braid flying, like a female ghost. The next night I cooked three dishes, warmed them gently, and set the table on the candle-holder, which was beautifully covered with a white tablecloth and beveled with a red one. The meal was a feast for the guests and the host. Not only was the food delicious, but I, too, was dressed to the nines and even wore a long skirt. When the boss and his wife got in the car after dinner, they said to me in particular, "if there is a vacancy in the public relations office in the future, I hope you will come to work and be part of the company." My eyes lit up, this is all thanks to "bamboo shoots fried with mushrooms". To send off the boss, it was late at night, so I quickly took off my long skirt, put on my torn jeans, tied my hair with a rubber band, washed the dishes vigorously, and redid my Cinderella routine to set my body and mind free. Jose was very satisfied and asked behind his back, "Hey, this ‘bamboo shoots fried with mushrooms'is delicious, where did you get bamboo shoots?" "what bamboo shoots?" I laughed. "Oh, you mean the cucumber fried with mushrooms?""what, you, you, you lied to me, and you lied to my boss?""I didn't lie to him. It was the best ‘bamboo shoots fried with mushrooms'he had ever eaten in his life, he said." The soapy water fell on his head and beard, "Hooray, Hooray, you're the monkey, the septuagenarian, what's his name, what's his name..." I slapped him on the head: "The Monkey King: Quest for the Sutra, don't forget this time." 标题: 沙漠中的饭店
作者: 三毛
字数: 3158
简介: 我的先生很可惜是一个外国人。这样来称呼自己的先生不免有排外的味道，但是因为语文和风俗在各国之间确有大不相同之处，我们的婚姻生活也实在有许多无