Dating culture

“来美国之前，我其实都不知道约会文化这种东西。”有一天，恩华突然说。

“什么约会文化？！不就是个到处睡觉不用负责的文化！”我不屑地答。

是啊，我们这些从第三世界国家千里迢迢赶到美国来学习先进文化的女青年，哪里想得到，在这个号称文明民主富强的社会里，还有约会文化这样的大毒草。

Dating，用中文怎么说呢？“约会”是最合适的字眼，然而“约会”在中文语境中的重要性、使用频率、含义清晰度远远不及Dating在英语境遇中的地位。比如，在中国，我们可能会问别人：“你有没有男朋友（女朋友）”？但是一般不会问别人“你最近在约会什么人吗？”事实上，这句话在中文里听上去如此别扭，简直就像是病句。但在美国，这么问太正常了。这种区别绝不仅仅是用词的区别，而是文化的差别。在中国，两个人谈恋爱就是谈恋爱了，没有谈就是没有谈，基本不存在什么模梭两可的状态，而约会这个词在英语世界里，恰恰就是用来形容两个人之间模棱两可的状态。当一个人宣布自己在约会某个人，基本上就是在宣布：我已经跟这个人上过床了（或者很快会和这个人上床），但是她（他）还不是我女（男）朋友。

关健词是那个“但是”。

看过SexandCity的人也许有印象，其中有一集，Mr.Big跟别人介绍Carrie说：“这是我女朋友”，把Carrie感动坏了——那时候，他们已经约会很久了，也就是在一起上床很久了，但是Big始终没有用过“女朋友”这个词来形容Carrie，而一旦一个男人不再用“约的人”而用“女朋友”来指称一个女人，这时候她的地位才算升级了，交椅才算坐稳了。约会的出现，可以说是对人的肉体欲望和精神依恋发展不成比例这个客观现实的承认。两个人肉体关系的发展，可以像电饭煲做饭那么快，而两个人感情的发展，往往像砂锅煲汤那样慢，怎么办？约会呗。

迅速亲密，迅速上床，迅速分手，是约会文化里的主要景观。

这件事情，仔细想来，其实挺叫人沮丧。约会文化的风靡，在某种意义上等于人类承认了自己的双重无能：在抵制欲望面前的无能；在培养感情方面的无能。承认了这双重无能的人们，转过身去投入到走马观花的约会坐活中去。ABCDEFG----一个一个地出现，然后一个接一个地消失。毕竟，上一次床，只需要一点荷尔蒙，而要爱一个人，要有激情，恒心，意志，力气这些罗里吧嗦的东西，而人类永远是避重就轻的那么一种动物。

SexandCity里，Nliranda承认自己跟42个男人上过床，《四个婚礼与一个葬礼》里，Carrie也承认自己和30多个男人上过床。而Miranda和Carrie，好像也不符合我们传说中的“破鞋”形象，相反，她们和蔼可亲、积极向上、聪明伶俐，和我们中国的那些可爱“邻家女孩”似乎没有什么不同。唯一的区别，不过就是她们成长在这种约会文化里。我们文化中的破鞋，可以是别人文化中的公主。基本上在中国，至少近些年以前，没有约会文化，有的是“找对象文化”：两个人从第一次手拉手开始，婚姻这个主题就扑面而来。从小到大，我们看过多少电影电视小说，里面有多少怨妇，因为和某个男人睡过了，就哭着嚷着揪着对方衣领要人家对她“负责”，甚至时不时还要派自己的哥哥、干哥哥什么的去扁人家，打到人家鼻子出血，满地找牙。

这当然不是说我们中国人在抵制欲望和培养感情方面比西方人更能干，所以才能越过约会，大步流星地步入爱情的圣殿。事实上，“找对象文化”，只不过是对人的肉体欲望和精神依恋发展不成比例这个客观现实的不承认而已。明明肉体欲望和精神依恋的发展是不成比例的，非要做“同步发展”状，结果就是，既然上床了，那就结婚吧，既然结婚了，那就凑合吧，既然家里凑合了，那就在外面嫖妓或者找外遇吧。

如果说约会导致的是走马观花之后的麻木，“找对象”文化导致的则往往是深陷泥潭之后的麻木。死法不同而已，大家彼此彼此，谁也犯不着同情谁。

当然，我的悲观也许纯属自己的反社会、反人类倾向。事实上，我们也可以说，约会文化中的人们非常享受那种昙花一现的快乐，而找对象文化中的人们非常享受那种细水长流的快乐。轻盈的或者沉重的，都是快乐。

我有一个毫无根据的理论，并且对此坚信不疑：一个人感情的总量是有限的，如果你把它给零敲碎打地用完了，等到需要大额支出的时候，你的账号就已经空了。所以约会文化最大的弊端，就是它的挥霍性。现代人冲向dating市场，就像一个饥饿的人冲向一次自助餐，他东一勺子，西一筷子，每一个菜都是浅尝辄止，但每一个菜都没有留下回味的余地。

虽说爱的深度和爱的广度之间，很可能有一个互换性，但我总觉得，真爱是一个对深度而不是对数量的体验。

"before I came to America, I didn't know anything about dating culture," he said one day. "what dating culture? ! It's just a culture of sleeping around and not taking responsibility!" I replied dismissively . Yes, we young women who have come all the way from the Third World to study advanced culture have no idea that dating culture exists in this supposedly civilized, democratic, and prosperous society .

< p > Dating, in Chinese Dating is the most appropriate word, but Dating in Chinese is far less important, more frequently used, and less clear than Dating in English For example, in China, we might ask someone, "do you have a boyfriend (girlfriend)". ? But you don't usually ask people, "are you seeing anyone?" In fact, it sounds so awkward in Chinese that it almost sounds like a sick sentence. But in America, that's a perfectly normal question. This distinction is by no means a mere distinction of words, but a distinction of cultures . In China, when two people fall in love, they fall in love. When they don't fall in love, they don't fall in love, the term is used to describe the state of ambiguity between two people When a person announces that they are dating someone, they are basically saying, I have slept with this person (or will sleep with this person soon) , but she (he) is not my girlfriend (he) . The key word is "but.". Those of you who have seen SexandCity may recall that there was an episode, Big introduced Carrie and said, "this is my girlfriend." Carrie was moved -- they'd been dating for a long time, that is, they'd been in bed together, but Big never used the word "girlfriend" to describe Carrie, once a man stops using the word "date" and uses the word "girlfriend" to refer to a woman, then her position will be upgraded and the chair will be secure . The emergence of dating can be said to be a recognition of the objective reality that human physical desire and spiritual attachment develop disproportionately? . The development of a physical relationship between two people can be as fast as cooking in a rice cooker, while the development of a relationship between two people is often as slow as making soup in a casserole. ? On a date. Fast intimacy, fast sex and fast breakups are the main attractions of the dating culture When you think about it, it's actually kind of depressing The prevalence of dating culture, in a sense, is a recognition of our dual inability to resist our desires and to cultivate our feelings. People who admit to this double incompetence turn around and dive into the casual dating scene Abcdefg.com appears one by one and then disappears one by one After all, the last time you had sex, all it took was a little hormones, and to love someone, it took passion, perseverance, willpower, and strength, and human beings were always the ones that got away with it. In SexandCity, Nliranda admits to sleeping with 42 men, and in four weddings and a funeral, Carrie admits to sleeping with more than 30 men And Miranda and Carrie, they don't seem to fit the image of "broken shoes" in our legends. On the contrary, they are amiable, positive and intelligent, just like those lovely "girls next door" in China. The only difference is that they grew up in a dating culture . Our culture in the broken shoes, can be the princess of other cultures. Basically in China, at least until a few years ago, there was no dating culture, only a "dating culture": the theme of marriage came to the fore from the first time two people held hands . From childhood to childhood, how many movies and TV novels have we seen, and how many bitter women in them, crying and clamoring for "accountability" by grabbing each other's collars because they slept with a man, even from time to time to send their own brother, brother-in-law and so on to flat people, hit people nose bleeding, looking for teeth everywhere This is certainly not to say that we Chinese are more capable than Westerners of resisting desires and cultivating relationships, so we can skip dating and stride into the temple of love. In fact, "object-seeking culture" is only a denial of the objective reality that human's physical desire and spiritual attachment develop disproportionately . It is clear that the development of physical desire and spiritual attachment is out of proportion, the result is that if you're having sex, get married. If you're married, get along. If you're at home, get laid or have an affair If dating causes the numbness that comes after a brief period of time, the "looking for a mate" culture often leads to the numbness that comes after being stuck in the mud. It's just a different way to go. It's the same way. No one has to feel sorry for anyone Of course, my pessimism may be my own anti-social, anti-human tendencies In fact, we can also say that people in dating culture enjoy the short-lived pleasure, while people in dating culture enjoy the long-term pleasure. Light or heavy, it's all fun I have a baseless theory, and there's no doubt about it: a person's total amount of affection is limited, and if you use it up piecemeal, your account will be empty by the time you need to make a big payment So the biggest drawback of the dating culture is its profligacy The modern rush to the dating market is like a hungry man rushing to a buffet, one spoonful to the east and one chopstick to the west. Every dish is tasted lightly, but every dish leaves no room for aftertaste. Although there is probably an interchangeability between the depth of love and the breadth of love, I have always felt that true love is an experience of depth rather than quantity.

标题: 约会文化
作者: 刘瑜
字数: 1861
简介: “来美国之前，我其实都不知道约会文化这种东西。”有一天，恩华突然说。“什么约会文化？！不就是个到处睡觉不用负责的文化！”我不屑地答。是啊，我